|
What doesn't belong in this
list?
Meat, Eggs, Wife,
Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat,
eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
><><><><><><><><><
Q. Why does a penis have
a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What's the speed
limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have
to turn around.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What do a Rubix
cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with
them, the harder they get.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What's the difference
between your paycheck and
your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your
wife to blow your paycheck!
><><><><><><><><><
Q. Three words to
ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
><><><><><><><><><
Q. How does
a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew,
before she swallows.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What do you get
when you cross Raggedy Ann
and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast
infection.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. How can
you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What's the biggest
fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one
you can eat her for months.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. Whats the difference
between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What's green, slimy
and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger
><><><><><><><><><
Q: What do you do with
365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire,
and call it a Goodyear.
><><><><><><><><><
Q. What does bungee
jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred
bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
[Guys take note.]
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so......
I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure
that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: "early"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one
but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup,
a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil
in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,
tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless
God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveways
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the
window is mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and
is all true!)
Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a
President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.
A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
I AM ITALIAN
Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat
pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.
I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM PAKISTANI
Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a
7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants,
or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed
from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.
I
eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of
my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee
,GAUN-dee!!
Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM
PAKISTANI!!!!
I AM CHINESE!
Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer
tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean
nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the
sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during
a massacre,
Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE
Fa
China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM AMERICAN
Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet,
or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.
I
drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.
I
can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for
LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!
The
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!
___________________________________________________________________________________
Little boy blew.
Hey, he needed the money
Jack and Jill
Went
up the hill
To have a little fun
Jill the dill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son
Georgie porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed
them too 'cause he was gay
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon
Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
What have u got there?
Said the
pieman unto simon
Pies you dickhead
Little miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Her clothes all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside
her
It was little boy blue and his horn
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread
Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And everywhere that mary walked
The boys could see
her thighs
Mary had another skirt
T'was split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one often
______________________________________________________________________
A Hockey Joke only Canadians could
understand
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park
in Toronto, when
one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly,
the other boy
takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and
twists, breaking
the dog's neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and
rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were."
said
the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues
Friend From
Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or
Jays fan."
"What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes,
Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved
Family Pet."
__________________________________________________________________________
| Tom the Drunk
|
| Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back
and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.
"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw
it?"
"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.
At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging
out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"
Tom looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend
too!"
_____________________________________________________________________ |
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK
in Texas)
2.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I
thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee,
Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red,
have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
__________________________________________________________________________
| Darn Crazy Kids
|
| A young punk gets on a bus and sits
down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His
clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big,
bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across
the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What
are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when
I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
__________________________________________________________________
| Mafia Christmas
|
| A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing
a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He
looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby
Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws
it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes
a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear
baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."
________________________________________________________________________ |
| An Ugly Position
|
|
What's the position to
make ugly babies?....
..........Ask your parents.
______________________________________________________________ |
| May I Borrow the
Car? |
|
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to
borrow the car because he has a hot date.
The dad says, ''Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.''
The boy smiles
and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ''Dad, Jesus had long hair...''
And the dad replies, ''Yeah, and Jesus
walked everywhere he went too, didn't he?''
________________________________________________________________
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~
she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax
with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback
was a refund.
~
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
~ they had to burn the school
down to get her out of third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application,
she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.<<< DON'T LAUGH IT'S HAPPENED!!! :)~>>>
~she
took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~ at the bottom of
the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
~she asked for a price
check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two
hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speachless.
~she studied for a
blood test.
~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~she thought she needed a token to
get on Soul train.
~she sold the car for gas money.
~when she saw the "NC-17" (under
17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~ when she heard that
90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~she thinks Taco Bell
is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the
44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"
she turned around and went home.
________________________________________________________ |
| Panda Bear |
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and
orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
A
policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if
he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says,
''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
| |
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